Pornography: One Woman’s Story

I am so thankful to the woman who shared her perspective on her husband’s addiction to pornography.  This is what I want young people to hear.  Just because a person sets out to casually view pornography doesn’t mean that their desire to view more will remain casual.  Porn grabs hold of many and does not want to let go.  

Here is just one woman’s story.

The struggle is quite real as an addiction. My husband once described himself as an alcoholic. At first, he would just drink every once in a while but wanted more, then he would binge. Then it became all of him. It was a dark sludge that seeped into his soul slowly. He knew it was wrong but it crept in and he couldn’t get rid of it. This is when we talked openly about it. Even when we put the protective measures put in place, the desire was too strong and he found ways around it secretly. I had to become an investigator. I had to dig into secret places, even places like the attic and the unopened boxes in the garage. I had to become something of “Mistrust” to find the truth of his hidden addiction.  My gut, often I felt it was the Holy Spirit, told me when it was happening. I could see the darkness in his fruits and in his eyes, and I knew it was a part of him. Then, he stopped fighting it for himself. As a couple, we always fought it. I tried so many different ways to understand it. I yelled, I cried, I was calm, I looked away, I tried not to care, I took part in it, anything I could do to help be one with him again. For me, it was always in my mind. It was a secret jail that kept me chained to the thought of him being on the computer, his phone, renting movies. The mistrust slayed my mind all the time. I couldn’t release the fear of knowing. But, he made his choice to have that and the results are apparent. We lost. Our marriage, our children’s home and everything we had built for Christ’s Kingdom was lost.  I believe Satan knew this was where he could attack and win. To this day, I don’t know how else I could’ve changed it.

As for me, it was the darkest time in life. You know the physical changes I’ve endured. I lost faith in the man I chose to spend forever with. I lost the will to fight. I even lost the desire to eat. I can’t begin tell you the emotional toll it is for a woman to know the one person who is supposed to be her mate in life chooses someone he can’t even touch or talk to over her. I felt unworthy, ugly, angry and all the pieces that go with mistrust. I prayed so hard all the time without results. I questioned God, asked him what I was doing wrong and feared what others would think of my minister husband when they found out. Would they judge me? What have I done to make him venture to porn? Then, I resented my husband to such a degree that he became a worm to me.  It’s not right, I know. He, too, is a child of God. I hated, literally loathed him for “his” sin and what he was doing to me and the kids. I became just as ugly as his addiction.

Now I know I could not change his choices. I didn’t really have anything to do with him choosing porn. That is his addiction, not mine. The choice of divorce was the only way to eliminate it from my life, knowing he would not eliminate porn from his life. I also knew that if I stayed, it would literally kill me and I have children that need me.  I view this as my choice. I still struggle with if my divorce was right or wrong, but I know that God is with me either way.

I actually recall when I started desiring food again. It sounds silly, but I remember wanting chocolate ice cream. Then I thought, when was the last time I wanted ice cream? I couldn’t remember. It had been years, yes, years. Just a random thought, but it comforted me in that I was recovering from the divorce. My point is that there is a toll that porn takes–not just on the one who chooses it.  It is so much bigger than them.  It is mental, physical and has life- lasting effects. It will always be with me–the ugly parts of that struggle and fighting for so long, but I can and have moved into a better place.

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